I'm not really sure where this sleep deprived post is going. . . .

I see hurting friends - friends with baggage - friends with issues - black eyes that color their outlook on life. They see things differently than I do. Respond to things differently than I do. Things they struggle with are easy for me. I see their weaknesses. I don't know how to help them. There are times to throw a rope to a drowning man, and there are times to dive in after him. Some people I just want to slap and say "Hey! I love you!! What are you doing to yourself!!!" Some people need a wake up call, some need a that rope tossed to them, others - others are lying on the bottom of the pool, lying still and quite - and you rush diving in after them.




I see friends who pursue the right things for the wrong reasons. I see friends who can't let go, friends who won't hang on. I see friends not at peace with themselves, looking for affirmation in all the wrong places - thinking that if only they could attain this goal - friends who let others define them.




I am somebody's friend - I must have these things - things that I have bound so close to my heart that I can no longer see them. Insecurity's that I am unaware of, prejudices that I'm blind to. How do I step outside of myself and see what others see?





How do I change? How do I help others? When is being supportive listening, when is it time to say "Hey" - Do I love someone enought to risk our friendship - I want to be that guy - that guy that cares more for you then he cares for how you percive him, I want to be that friend, because those are the friendships I want.





I find that when I'm open and honest with people, when I tell them where I'm at - when I give away my stories, and my freindship, when I let people inside, let them see me - I find that's where friendship can begin to start.





It takes two - it takes time - it takes shared experiances - talks, and walks, cups of coffee, and drives. It can take a painful closeness for growth sometimes.



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[A night in the engineering lab passes]



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Having just spent 22 of the last 24 hours in Sloan 152 please understand if I seem more disjointed than usual.



Where I did I leave off. . . .



Ah yes friendship - I found myself working on a project from 11pm to 6am with a guy that honestly I had been getting a little irquied with. I had been letting him kind of get away with a lot. And over the course of the night I found myself telling him stories - it was just the two of us in lab - burning the midnight oil. Soon our study session turned into a three hour talk, we put down the pencils and talked. Folding my hands and putting my feet up - I listened. For hours I listened. I met the man I had been working alongside for all this time.



In his stories I met the woman that he is crazy about, I got to hear the story that every man loves to tell, and longs to share with ears that will treasure the story as he does. It's like having a secret spot that you want everyone to know about - but you want them to know it as you do. It is the secret beauty of that spot that makes you want to share it - all the while knowing that in doing so you risk the very quailty which defines it. I heard his story - story that never grows old, this story that is constantly being written. Day by day. I heard of his tought times, of dark times in life, of his plans to work on his realtionship with Christ.





I can tell I'm tired - I'm jittery and moody - happy and a weird sort of exuasted sad. I need to breath non filtered air - I'm going to take some pictures - and maybe a nap. I might read some more of 1st Sameul or maybe or maybe just do some talking myself. Lots to talk about, lots to relfect on.

Less than a week and then life changes and stays the same all at once.

I'm starting to shiver - I should go to bed. I should leave this chair where I've spent the last 18 hours.

Good day