Disconnect

What to write tonight . . .

Tonight finds me - finds me in a reflective mood, I see my friends interact, I see and hear their smiles and laughs. Seeing them as they are, alive, vibrant, life is this time. I feel at times like I'm able to see the present as a memory almost. The now almost seems like a movie, or something that I'm separate from. A part of me holds back and just observes - even as I interact, laugh and smile. There is this part that just sits back and soaks it in. Stepping back from life, and seeing how blessed you are, seeing and appreciating what you've been given, where you are at. And it happens - this disconnect - it happens all the time. When I'm going for a walk to think, when I'm taking pictures, when I'm driving in Seattle, when I'm eating birthday pie. When I watch dishes being done, when I play settlers, or wait for studs to be put on.

I don't know how other people process life, how they wrestle with decisions, and form their views, I talk a lot. I used to talk mostly to myself, long walks and long car rides. Loud music, and hours on the road. These days I still talk, I still ask myself questions, but friends have entered into what used to be a very private process - friends now ask hard questions too, the questions I never see. Letting people in was easy, letting them explore is hard. Friendship is living life together. Together is not traveling the same way, together is not one dragging the other. Friendships are better and tougher than I thought. Do I love my friends? What does it mean to lay your life down for your friends. Is that the guy who jumps on the grenade? Is it more than that? Is there more than that? What would more than that be?

What is laying down my life?

I don't know where I was going with that - I think I'm running a fever - so if this seems disjointed please smile to yourself and nod with a knowing understanding.

I'm sure dear reader that you never do silly things like start a blog with no clear idea or purpose. Letting your fingers wander the far reaches of your empty mind. Turning over the rocks to see what crawls out.

It it kinda fun to do

dang I think the meds are kicking in