Having finished my final final, gotten caught up on my sleep, and after making one very short and several long phone calls, I decided to go for a walk. It was a long solitary walk, with a long talk, and an even longer listen.
So much has changed, so much is different, in ways that I did not expect. I am different, I am changed in ways I can't even see, I'm too close, I have no perspective, I can only dimly feel and sense some of these changes. Some of them are huge and almost block out everything. It's all new, and yet, and yet, feels like it's established, like it's solid.
The walk was not nearly long enough, and too soon I found myself on the doorstep, talking with old roommates, excited to share and talk and listen, and it was then when I noticed more subtle changes, there had been things that before I had been dieing to talk about, we would dissect the topics, attack them from every angle, holding long councils of war deep into the watches of the night. But last night, was different, I felt that small subtle change, I felt out of sync, I did not want to talk, to expound, to pull every fiber of meaning out of the issues at hand. I don't know why, but it was different, and unexpected. There were things I wanted to talk about, but for the first time there were things that I did not want to talk about with them. It was not that I did not want to discuss these things, I just did not want to talk about them with these guys. It made me sad, and a little introspective, for these men are some of my closest friends. They had done nothing to deserve this, this cloistering of my feelings, this self-imposed silence, I had changed.
I have changed . . . . . . I am changing
I find myself in a new place that all my experience and all my imaginings could not have prepared me for. It has been so long since I have encountered the unknown, felt so unprepared, and so ill equipped. I find myself truly exploring parts of myself I was unaware of, was life like this when I was young and the world was new? No wonder toddlers cry themselves to sleep, life must be such an awful mix of terror and joy. When everything is fresh and new, lessons are learned out of necessity, we either learn, and grow, and change, or we stagnate. We forget the wisdom of our early youth, the awareness of our limitations, and understanding. The child who constantly is asking "Why" out of curiosity knows that they don't know, and are eager to learn. It is amazing how fast we drop this, soon the whys become a challenge, and then they stop altogether.
There's more but I'm tired and it is late so maybe I'll pick this up later.....
So much has changed, so much is different, in ways that I did not expect. I am different, I am changed in ways I can't even see, I'm too close, I have no perspective, I can only dimly feel and sense some of these changes. Some of them are huge and almost block out everything. It's all new, and yet, and yet, feels like it's established, like it's solid.
The walk was not nearly long enough, and too soon I found myself on the doorstep, talking with old roommates, excited to share and talk and listen, and it was then when I noticed more subtle changes, there had been things that before I had been dieing to talk about, we would dissect the topics, attack them from every angle, holding long councils of war deep into the watches of the night. But last night, was different, I felt that small subtle change, I felt out of sync, I did not want to talk, to expound, to pull every fiber of meaning out of the issues at hand. I don't know why, but it was different, and unexpected. There were things I wanted to talk about, but for the first time there were things that I did not want to talk about with them. It was not that I did not want to discuss these things, I just did not want to talk about them with these guys. It made me sad, and a little introspective, for these men are some of my closest friends. They had done nothing to deserve this, this cloistering of my feelings, this self-imposed silence, I had changed.
I have changed . . . . . . I am changing
I find myself in a new place that all my experience and all my imaginings could not have prepared me for. It has been so long since I have encountered the unknown, felt so unprepared, and so ill equipped. I find myself truly exploring parts of myself I was unaware of, was life like this when I was young and the world was new? No wonder toddlers cry themselves to sleep, life must be such an awful mix of terror and joy. When everything is fresh and new, lessons are learned out of necessity, we either learn, and grow, and change, or we stagnate. We forget the wisdom of our early youth, the awareness of our limitations, and understanding. The child who constantly is asking "Why" out of curiosity knows that they don't know, and are eager to learn. It is amazing how fast we drop this, soon the whys become a challenge, and then they stop altogether.
There's more but I'm tired and it is late so maybe I'll pick this up later.....
Moonlit Flower
Little Sister
Lost Shelves & Forgotten Books
Water Fountain (I'm not sure I like this one)
"which picture I've posted is the worst and why?" - I'd have to vote The picture of your sister only because you squinting off to the side does you no justice. Other than that I'm duely impressed with your pictures good sir!
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Wow dude, I really love this post. Simply amazing and well said. I hope you do not change so much you cannot freely talk with your good friends. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or just an ear to talk to (like last night) PLEASE CALL I'm here for you man. Always. If I need to I'll take time off to be there for you in person. I thank you for including me on this your journey and pray our friendship grows ever more and that God blesses this friendship as we journey through life.
God bless,
Lance
Neil, the picture of the old books would look lovely with a wide white mat and a thick black frame. I can see it now. Your pictures are awesome! I'm truly impressed. Maybe you could show me how to use my camera I have. I've had a Nikon N60 sitting in a box for a few years now. I never learned how to use it manually. Want to give me some tips sometime?
ReplyDeleteRebekah - I would love to share I've learned in the past few months, and look forward too it.
ReplyDeleteLance - Thank you for the feedback, I know what you mean, Lorna was really stealing the show however, and I had to post it, and it's a huge comfort to know the shoulders are there.