Early morning hymns
Dawn flows over the hills and the day begins.
Early morning emails bring new questions and exciting ideals.
Every day is filled with choices, some large, some small.
What is my plan for today, what is my plan for my life?
Where am I going and why?
What are my dreams?
I don’t imagine large enough – I don’t dream grand enough – I sit and shrink my dreams under the guise of being practical, of being responsible,of being level headed.
And so I tone down what I want in life – fearing that if I can’t have the huge big dreams – I’ll just change my dreams into something smaller that is attainable. I’ll settle.
I remember reading about a great war horse, strong and proud. He manages to run away and in his freedom finds it almost impossible to do the feats that he did before. With no one standing over him pushing him on - he settles for less. It takes fear of death to spur him on.
I don’t always settle – in fact I’m most content when I haven’t. I know that there exists this harder path, a path that is harder now, a path that leads not to easier things but harder and better things. Why do I shy from these better, harder things? These gems?? They are the things I prize. The things I have sweated for, worked for, prayed and waited for. Why do I settle? Why do I give up? It hurts sometimes; it hurts a lot of times, the striving, the pressing on. But I know what’s best – and so often I avoid it, so often I let myself forget, and so often I find myself relearning the same lessons over and over again.
Why do I change my sights – why do I settle and in settling turn my striving into loosing?
What are my dreams?
When did I stop dreaming?
Why does this question still haunt me?
I can list off thousands of things I want to do, last night and the night before I did just that, yesterday at work while processing all the parcels the City has annexed in the last 125 years I did just that. And the list is long, and deep, and full. All the skills I would like to have, places I would like to see, foods I would like to eat, the languages I want to speak, the instruments I would like to play. But they were not dreams, not dreams in the sense that any one of them, or even a large set of them would some how fill a void in me that I really want to be filled. What is the purpose of our dreams, how do they change as we change?
Hmmmmmm . . . . .
Is that void you speak of Jesus Christ? Are you seeking a fuller deeper relationship?
ReplyDeleteNo - let me clarify the deeds and actions are all there, things to do, places to go, sights to see, but there is no void for them to fill. For the actions themselves, for the places themselves, they are not enough, and they do not satisfy, they do not fill a void, or fit a lock. I do find it interesting that you picked up on something that I did not write about – the relational dreams. I’ve been thinking about it and most if not all of my dreams have at their core relationships – there are things I want to do, places I want to go, sights I want to see – but without seeing them with friends their attraction wanes.
ReplyDeleteI’ve noticed that there are two types of hobbies for me – those I enjoy because I enjoy, and those I enjoy because they are the hobby of a friend. And I enjoy my friends hobbies no less than mine. Why? Because enthusiasm is catching, and I enjoy their presence – if I did not we would not be friends.
So what is the void that experiences alone are unable to fill – the closeness that comes out of shared experiences.