Couldn't sleep and wouldn't sleep. . .

Its late - or early depending on how you decide to look at the clock. I love clocks. I have an uncle back in the mid west that collects them, hows that for a random fact.

It's late and I couldn't sleep and wouldn't sleep. Karl and Alan are leaving early in the morning. There is nothing to do. So I sit and blog - listening to my Pandora Postal Service mix - it often is my blogging soundtrack. I'm not really planning anything here - no deep thoughts to air out. Just rambling at one in the morning. I've got one light on in my room, a small desk lamp. The shadows it casts, coupled with the quiet and the chill remind me of house sitting for my Aunt and Uncle. I miss my family - I called home on Thanksgiving - I've not seen them in quite some time - it was weird being the guy passed around on the phone. Not enough time to connect. So I invariably had the same conversation 15 times. The quick token "Hey - how are you?" It was tough wanting to talk their ears off and being able to tell that they were full, and tired and while they wanted to be nice, they also wanted to be not on the phone right then.

I feel like they've moved on a little bit. I so want to be as close to them as I am with my friends in Pullman. I want to hear their stories, hear their troubles, to cry and laugh with them. I feel so close to people out here. I want that back home. I love them and they feel distant. It's not this way with my parents, I'm as close to them as I've ever been. It's not this way with my Grandmother - I can hear her light up when I call. My cousins and extended family are the ones I feel I'm drifting from. So much life has happened in the past three years - I am not the guy who left home. I want to meet them afresh. Family is an odd thing.

The conversations I enjoyed the most this thanksgiving were with family members that I know the least. My Uncle Dick, and cousin Travis. And while the conversations were short they were good. I loved having Thanksgiving with the Murdocks. It was so much fun, and the odd thing was - the beautiful thing was I was at home there. They were not a sort of replacement family, but an extension of my family. I worked on puzzles with Grandmas, played games with Moms, teased sisters, hung out with cousins. Cooked with Aunts, listened to relationship advice from the wise. Laughed with brothers. I love these people too. It was a weird mix of wishing I was there back home, and wishing that my family was here at home with me. That they could know and understand my friends, because I want them to know and understand me. I feel like there are so many Neils. All the same guy, but different strains. The engineer Neil that thinks a certain way, the photographer Neil that sees a certain way, the friend Neil that feels a certain way, the brother Neil that acts certain way, the guy I am battling with the guy I want to be.

And I know that I will have to let go of a measure of the closeness that I have here in Pullman. I am loath to give that up - one thing however does comfort me. The world is peopled. Put me in a strange and foreign land and I will make new friends, not replacement friends, but more friends. It will be a devastating sort of comfort to find out who I stay close too. Those friendships that time and distance will not snuff out.

It's late and I'm really rambling - if I'm not careful I might start really opening up my head and letting you all look inside.

Opening up is almost easier to this blank screen. Easier but maybe not as profitable - the screen does not talk back, it does not question my motives, or ask me where my heart is. I'm only left with myself to dialogue with. And so I talk out loud and ask myself questions - and then try to answer them as best I could.

I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight the porch is so far away - I'm starting to feel the hour.

My spelling is getting progressively worse.

What a week though - I could tell you of the progress I made with my senior design project - but that was not the highlight of my week. I really enjoyed the late night war councils. I enjoyed 1st Samuel - I enjoyed the frost and my camera. I enjoyed being referred to as "that guy that takes those pictures". I won't ever remember the homework, or the classes, but talking to Mel, and eating breakfast with Dick will stay with me for a long time.

It's now past 2 and I don't know when I started this post - I'm going to bed

To sleep

To dream

To do it all again tomorrow

Soon life will change

Soon tomorrow will be different from today


  1. For a guy who wasn't going for deep you did a great job.

  2. There's something special about a clock. I have 7 in one room. Is that too many?:) "Tempus Fugit, time flees..."