An old entry that was too close to publish at the time

A few weeks ago I was processing lots of stuff - lots and lots of stuff which I guess is not that usual - I wrote this entry but did not post it. I have several entries like this - seven or eight all told. When I started this blog I told myself to only blog for me - to ignore the world and only write for myself. That has gotten harder and harder to do. My mother asked me why I write about such personal stuff - to which I responded - "Would you read it if I didn't?" That's why this blog is here - it lets me vent and process, makes me think, and learn. Hopefully the things I learn, the knees I scrape, and the lessons I process can help in some small way. I don't pretend to know anything special - all I can share is what I'm going thru, what I've been thru - and in sharing it - I find it. It's like teaching trigonometry - you don't know it till you can share it, till you can teach it. Writing this blog is one way for me to share it, one way for me to learn it, one way for me to know it. So when I write something and find it to be a comfort, when I write something and find that in that process I have learned something, something about myself, something about God, something about His love for me - than I need to share it.


It was titled

"Making things right . . ."

Written on December 5th at 3:36 am


The joy of making things right. It has been bouncing around my head these last few days. And joy is complicated - it's not happiness - its sometime like it, it can cause it, and it can exist within and beside it - but joy is different. Listening to friends set things right, and seeing that joy. Finding things that I need to address in my own life, setting them right. Goals, pursuits, submission, reasons, drives, and plans - my life is not my own - what does that mean? Do I live this way? Does this ring true?

I read about Saul and see myself, my pride, my plans, my desires. So often I find myself trying to bring things to the cross - how can I be an engineer for Christ? How can I be a leader - a brother - a friend. I keep trying to do things, forgetting to heed Samuel's warning -

"Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams"

I keep bringing the fat, when God wants me. O Father that I would consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing You. I press on to take hold of that for which You took hold of me.

That is so easy to type - and so large and all encompassing.

I was advised to guard my heart a few days ago. Advice I was not expecting. Advice that I did not question till today, when walking home. The thought sat in the back of my head waiting in line to be processed. And there I found it on the corner of Maple and Whitman. I found it grouped in with the oddest companions. The advise, a quote from Braveheart, and a verse, were all sitting at that corner, waiting for me.


Guard your heart. . .

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."

"Your heart is free . . . have the courage to follow it"

Is a guarded heart free?
Free to feel? Free to fail?
Who is my strength?
Who is my portion?

Guard you heart . . .

Is a guarded heart free?
It is safe.

Safe from what?

Who is the strength of my heart?
Who is my portion?

What if you fall?

What of it?
I know who is the strength of my heart
I know who is my portion

Guard your heart . . .

Father you have my heart
You are it's strength, You are my Portion
In you I am free